Getting along!!! (w/the ex, step, etc!)

So… I know I’ve written quite a bit on step-families and everything that goes along with it. I hope you know that this truly is something I take a vested interest in and that means the world to me to be involved in. No, its not easy. No, its not “ideal” for anyone. BUT… Yes, it can be good. Yes, it can be normal. Yes, it can be something that you couldn’t dream of ever being w/o! I recently got the opportunity to experience how life “is” for other people in this similar situation. I’ve seen the kids firsthand and the parents that come for the kids… and I’ll tell you, it warms my heart. Beyond belief. Its hard to see kids that don’t have a very good family life, but wow does it make you appreciate having a good one growing up, and moreso wanting to MAKE a great home life for your kids (step and when you have your own). Makes you value what you have and can do!

What I’ve thought about is those that have step-moms/dads, and how they get along with or communicate with the “other” parent. I’ve thought about this a lot and seen first-hand quite a bit… but I thought I’d do some research for myself. So, what I found, agree with, and will use personally include on being the “2nd woman”, “step-mom”, etc:

What you see is what you get - A man who is kind and loving to you, who also has an ex-wife. He is a package deal and you must decide if you can accept the package. If the ex is at all volatile, the guess is that the ex-wife has many unsolved issues with her ex-husband and there is really nothing you can do about the way they interact with each other. If she is “not a good mom”, why would you want to have a relationship with a man who does not protect his kids from a bad mother? If his kids are hurting, that’s what matters and you and him need to be the bigger people and take control of making them have a good life. Because he has children, he will have a connection with his ex-wife for the rest of his life. You cannot do anything to remedy this situation. You have no control over how other people conduct their lives. You only have control over what you do. If she treats her ex (or child!) bad, the advice is to tell him that it hurts you too much to see how this woman treats him. Just let him know it hurts you but you are here for him. And want to be his partner! “If she finds happiness and falls in love again herself, she will be more accepting of his happiness.” (From Heidi: this is SO true, I’ve gotten this advice from a very smart woman before!)

Basically, let the kids know that you love them. Tell the kids that you aren't the enemy. Let the ex wife know that you aren't the enemy and you aren't trying to replace her. Make sure the ex wife knows that you aren't trying to be the only mom to be her kids. The ex wife usually doesn't want to feel threatened by you by feeling replaced. Some of them don't like the idea of their ex husband getting married again. It is usually because she is jealous or unhappy in her life. She may get jealous if the ex wife is a single mom that is working two jobs to pay the monthly bills. The ex wife may get jealous cause of you and your husband have less stress and more happiness. It could be a number of things. Sure, some ex wifes don't care if the ex husband gets married again, but most of them do care. Make sure to talk to the kids. Let them know that you are there for them if they ever need you. Be sweet to them and be fun. They might have a difficult time getting use to the fact of another mom that will take care of them. Make sure to never anything bad about the mom in front of the kids. Always say good things about her. Make sure to be friendly and nice when you talk to their mom.

Oftentimes, it is not possible to forge a friendly relationship with your stepchildren's mother because of all that has happened in the past. If she abandoned her children and cheated on your husband, there is no reason why you would want to be around her, let alone be her friend. However, for the sake of the children, you should try to put those personal feelings to one side whenever you are in the same room with your stepchildren and their mother. That means learning to build a cordial relationship with one another that revolves around the children. It does not have to involve any personal insight into each other's lives. Think of it as a business relationship. You want to clinch the deal, so you will try to impress your new business associate. It is similar with how you should behave around your stepchildren's mother. In order to keep the children happy and secure, you should be willing to exchange pleasantries and work together for the sake of the children. As the children grow older and leave home, there will not be a need for such a close tie with their mother, except during the children's weddings, births and so on.
Your stepchildren's mother will probably never be your "friend" in the true sense of the word, but you should still be friendly towards her. Just do your best to work side by side with her for the common good of the children by maintaining a semblance of cordiality. After all, she is their mother and the children will love her. The better you treat their mother, the more they will respect you.

Story from a lady that had this happen: Her and her husband’s ex did NOT get along. Finally, the short story is.. this happened for a while, then the mom and step-mom had the conversation of… “I understand this is hard for both of us. I want the kid(s) to grow up in a healthy environment. The only way to do that is if we get along.”

Stepmothers do not have a specific manual that gives them step-by-step guidelines on how to help raise their husband's children and how to get along with their stepchildren's mother. They often enter into their marriage with high expectations on how everyone will get along and be the best of friends. The reality is quite different from the fantasy. It is not as simple as that. There are so many factors involved that will determine whether or not this will be possible, as each family situation is different.

SO, from my perspective seeing this lately and closely being involved in it… this is what it takes! This is what I think and how I want to be! Step up to the plate and be the bigger person! :)