Just realized!

You know what I just realized?! I've been kind of talking around it for forever... and it just dawned on me. @ the beginning... you know what the "problems" were that made it seem like I wasn't very accepting or "good" about stuff?! Well, I just realized... it was that I thought of parenting as different as what was actually happening. Meaning... someone like Jon had almost 4 years to figure out parenting and being around a child all the time. I had "thoughts" of how being a parent/dad/mom should be... so when I got into the relationship, I didn't have the luxury of time on my side, nor experience. Is that bad? No, I dont think so, its just how it was! I thought that what I had "always" thought it would be like... it wasnt. Like- I used to think kids shouldnt be too spoiled or have pop a lot of get away with stuff... etc. (Those are my examples.) SO, when that would happen... I would get irritated because I would think it was "wrong" and that wasn't how parents were "supposed" to be. DUH! It all makes sense to me now! I was young and just thought that every parent thought the same thing... And now I know even MORE that it was never ever something that I wanted Jon (or his son for that matter!) to do differently... it was never me personally that wanted it differently... even though it came across that way. It was that I thought there was an IDEAL or a SPECIFIC way that everyone knew it should be done. Make sense? I never had/have wanted Jon to change who he is or be someone else... I know now that I just wanted things to be SO good (I know that seems confusing)... basically, perfect, that I went completely the OPPOSITE way... I would get mad at something because I would think that then in the long run it would cause more harm then good. Make sense? It was just how I had read books and magazines and it all on parenting... that when I actually got into the "situation", I had no time to prepare, to ready myself, to learn... and I thought I already KNEW. Yes, I'm admitting I didn't and don't know everything! Now, I've lived it... I've learned that books do give you the basics, but its day by day and play by play and LIVING in it that gives you the real knowledge. Thats why now, we had been together longer... I have more experience... I understand what motivates a parent, and what motivates a child... to do things and act the way they do. I feel now like I'm a "mom" at heart, although still not perfect w/everything @ ALL! I understand that the basics (that I thought when coming into this relationship) about parenting (that I apparently thought should be followed to a 'T'- duh Heidi)... are the cold, hard facts. And they're just that... cold and hard. To be a parent or step-parent isn't just about those facts (like I had thought when entering, and thus motivated me to try to make it so "perfect" - like a book- that it was like I was the opposite)... yes, that as a basis... but warm and soft is what it should actually be when parenting! This, therefore, made our relationship harder because it was like we were going in opposite directions or around in circles with the "situation" stuff, because Jon actually knew from real-world experience, and I thought I was helping by giving my (book) "knowledge"... thinking it was the end-all, be-all of what it should be. NOW I KNOW!!! I'm so happy I'm so much further along (and we both are- I know he's learned a little from me and my "what they say you should do" knowledge!) in my knowledge, understanding, and feelings about the "situation" and daily lives. I love the "situation" and am so much more open-minded... I want to help make it an enrichment in everyone's lives!

I Lost It

Kenny Chesney- "I Lost It"

I had a hundred dollar ring in my hand
So weak and tired i could barely stand
From being up all night, prayin' she'd say yes
So with a hopeful heart i hit one knee
With a tear in her eye she looked at me
It was the moment of truth, i was scared to death
My life hung on what that tear meant
Then she smiled at me
And I lost it
No one can make me cry
Make me laugh
Make me smile
Or drive me mad like she does
It's like a curse that is the cure
Better or worse, one thing's for sure
It's real love and I don't know what I'd do
If I lost it

Well the honeymoon ended and life began
Jobs and bills, losing touch with friends
And that apartment got smaller every day
Then one night the walls finally closed in
I came home late, she said where've ya been
You used to call and tell me you're on your way
She said if this is how it's gonna be, then I quit
She walked out the door
I lost it

No one can make me cry
Make me laugh
Make me smile
Or drive me mad like she does
It's like a curse that is the cure
Better or worse, one thing's for sure
It's real love and I don't know what I'd do
If I lost it

I picked myself up off the floor
She walked back through the door
And we made love like it was the first time
No one can make me cry
Make me laugh
Make me smile
Or drive me mad like she does
It's like a curse that is the cure
Better or worse, one thing's for sure
It's real love and I don't know what I'd do
If I lost it
Oh, if I lost it
I don't wanna lose it

Trying Times!

I got to thinking... the hard times- and making it through them- are what really get me to believe I am "in it" for the long run, and always have been. Case in point... everyone knows, when its good, its good... its easy, fun to be in the relationship, etc. But, the testing times are when it gets hard, or has moments that are like, "OMG I COULD SCREAM!". Last week a couple days, I watched my friends' son while he was busy. I like to watch him, its never a problem, and we have fun together. He normally listens to me very well and is respectful to me, sometimes more to me than others, which I think is great. (It shows SO much potential for him!!!) Well, I had just gotten done doing some fun stuff with him, taking him swimming, getting pizza, etc. We had a good, relaxing, fun time. Well, he started to talk back and act up when I set a "guideline" for the rest of the night. Long story short, it made me mad and I disciplined him. He was sad, I was upset...It was one of those "WTF AM I DOING?! I JUST WANT TO RELAX TOO!!!"... and a few minutes later, I was doing just that; we were both content, etc. And then it hit me... I was able, okay with, and most of all, WILLING to do that and contend with those hard, frustrating times- (and have been (doing it) for the last 3 years)!!! That's what continues to make me know, as these happen more and more throughout our life, that I am in it and nothing will ever change that. I mean, as hard as it gets on days or the trying times, I know deep down I'm "NOT GOING ANYWHERE"... You know when they say (about parents to children), that "there is nothing that will make me stop loving you or ever give up". (Whatever that exact saying is!!!, ha!) Well, that's exactly how I feel... I know without a doubt that there is nothing that will change for to act badly or not be willing to help make all of our lives together great. They, me, and our relationship- and lives!- deserve it too!