Family In-Law- Facts and Help

http://www.foundationsforfreedom.net/Topics/Parenting/Parenting10_In-Laws.html

#1- Be Humble

Good communication with our family is dependent upon how much we are able to apologize for our sins against our parents and clear up any past misunderstandings. Past offenses and pride cause misunderstandings and arguments.

#2- Be Honoring: Consistently respect your parents

We assure them of our value for them by respecting them. The relationship you have with your parents is most likely the one you will have with your children. So now is the time to change! Your children are learning how to relate to you by the way you relate to your parents.

#3- Family harmony is dependent on how much love and truth shapes our relationship with our parents. Truth must be shared in a context of love and care to be accepted.

The truth about this site... ask for forgiveness if there were past problems. This is the way to maintain an excellent relationship.



http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/Marriage___Family_Relationships/Personal_Interests___Expectations_11.html

"Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family does too."- Unknown

Problems can arise for couples when one or both spouse's parents are not willing to let go of their child and give them the freedom they need to form a new life of their own with the partner they have chosen. Another source of problems is that new spouses (husbands and wives included) are sometimes unwilling to let go of their parents. Either way it can be a recipe for problems in a new marriage.

Give your marital and in-law relationships time to form. It may take a year or two.

Learn to love your in-laws. Someday they may live with you.

Remember that in-laws change very slowly. Fault finding seldom speeds the process.

Gradually move your relationship with your parents from parent-child to parent-peer.

Listen to advice and counsel from your in-laws but make your own decisions regarding finances, children, etc.

Demonstrate and tell of your love for your spouse in front of your parents.

Share some social interests are activities with your new in-law family.

Frequently use the word "we." Be a team.

Respond to your mother and father-in-law as a team as much as possible.


http://love.ivillage.com/fnf/fnfinlaws/0,,808-2,00.html

"When we talk about in-laws, we're almost always talking about mothers-in-law, it seems, with sisters-in-law running a close second. What is it about the other women in our men's lives, the ones they grew up with and who, presumably, helped shape them into the guys we love? Some of us are lucky enough to become fast friends with these women, to find an additional set of shoulders to lean on, even to discover a replacement for a mother we lost or are distant from. But then there are the difficult cases -- and from the number of "Oh, you've been there, too?" responses, it seems that in-law troubles are pretty darn common."

Some common problems and advice to go along with it:

1- "We have very different lifestyles."

The lowdown: Communicate with the family in regards to what you both expect when talking or visiting each other.

2- "My mother in law is impossible!"

The lowdown: The parents need to accept you for who you are. Life is too short to hate, and its better to just accept someone is a certain way than to hate them. The couple needs to be able to turn the other cheek if the mother is being unreasonable. (I would personally say it works both ways, she should do that to the couple as well, if needed!)

3- "They won't accept me."

The lowdown: Some find that no matter what they do to try to please the in-laws, there is no winning. They may blame the new (daughter) in-law for problems with their son, or start accusing her of taking him away from his family. (Clip from the website from a reader: "This past year I've done all I can to encourage him to be with his family. I've invited his family to several events as well as to my home, but there's nothing I can do to get them to accept me. Whenever there is a dispute between my fiance and his ex, his family sides with her. And if they can't figure out a way to blame him for it, it becomes my fault.") SO- some say it is best to just accept that they won't change, but mostly be unfront with your husband, so he can see. He may be able to speak with them and point out difficiencies better than you could to them. The guy should make sure his family gets to know you.

4- "We had a huge blow-up."

The lowdown: A big fight with them... From the webiste-"I think that you should be the better person and apologize for acting that way," she says. But that's not to say one should roll over and be a wimp, either. "Tell them exactly what drove you to that. It is important that you set the ground rules as to what you consider acceptable and what you find offensive." She also stresses the importance of keeping your cool. "Flying off the handle gives them ammunition to treat you badly and speak ill of you." The wife/daughter in-law should need to know where your significant other stands and to confront his family as a team. "It will cause a strain on your marriage because your husband is in the middle. It is important that he is there -- they will know that you guys are one and have one voice."

The basics?

"Set boundaries within which you can function with your in-laws. Be the kinder and more generous one, despite what others do; bad behavior on your part doesn't so much let you "get even" with your in-laws as make you a lesser person. And, finally, make sure you know where your husband stands, and that he's willing to stand with you as a teammate."