Back to School!

Today my bf's son started 1st Grade- first day of school! To me, I think that 1st Grade is not quite as nerve-racking as Kindergarten for all parties involved (child, parents, family)... but it is still DEFINATELY a big deal, especially in the aspect of the child's life thus far. Meaning, for a child, this is probably one of the biggest deals they've had in their life at the age of 6! Anyway, Jon met his son (who was taken there by his mother today) at school around 8 am. Jon was not too "worried" in my opinion, but definately happy to be a proud dad for the first day of 1st grade! He took his camera to take a few pictures once he got to the school... and ones to then send on to his family, who lives a few hours away! I will try to sneak away with his camera before the weekend to print some off for them to give to his parents (gma and gpa) this weekend as a surprise! So, this school thing, to me, being an "almost" or "sometimes almost" step-mom, is something that I've been thinking about all week, and definately all of today. I feel left out of the equation of school with him... out of the loop... or like I am meaningless in his son's life because I am not his mom, nor am I his family, who I am sure knows almost MORE than I do about his school, teacher, etc. It's almost like... I volunteer constantly, as I did today, to watch his son... it is not a hassle to me, not a pain to me, not something I feel like I "have" to do. But, it is more something I want to do, I have fun watching him, he has fun with me, and I know Jon can trust me with him... as I know the routine, his personality, etc. So, it really hurts me when I feel I am not taken up on my offer, or even asked if I would do it. It makes me feel like I am not really part of either Jon or his son's life in some ways. But, I keep trying to move forward and prove that I am in it for the long run, through good and bad with his son, and as a constant helper and supporter when I am needed! I love his son so much that it makes me feel so sad that I can't show it more, because I feel I am not supposed to at this point in our relationship life! Anyway... if "SPACE" isn't being used tonight (sarcasm, yes!)... regardless if Jon will want me or "let" me watch his son after school (since there is no daycare yet and Jon works longer than me!)... I was thinking I'd bring a "1st day of back to school" surprise for Jackson from me, along with cooking a dinner that he loves- tuna (we call it chicken!) casserole with blueberry muffins! I think this would be a great way to start back on a weeknight... and he'd get some stability out of feeling good about his day! Anyway... this is all on my mind, and I hope I can do this, because it makes me feel included. It is so hard for me to try to make our relationship feel better (about that stuff) when I cannot prove anything! I don't think that Jon often understands that I WANT to do everything I do, I LIKE to do it, I LOVE his son, and it is not at all a hassle... I want my life to be full of good things, but I most want in life to have someone I love, have a family with them (and I don't always know if he knows that INCLUDES his son, of course!), and be a great wife, mom, and step-mom. I want that so, so bad... it hurts when it's not realized or thought of value by others. Anyone else have problems or hurt feelings being step-moms?

Anyway, I am 110% positive I don't doubt myself on EVER being a great wife, mom, and step-mom! I'll be the greatest!!!