Family In-Law- Facts and Help

http://www.foundationsforfreedom.net/Topics/Parenting/Parenting10_In-Laws.html

#1- Be Humble

Good communication with our family is dependent upon how much we are able to apologize for our sins against our parents and clear up any past misunderstandings. Past offenses and pride cause misunderstandings and arguments.

#2- Be Honoring: Consistently respect your parents

We assure them of our value for them by respecting them. The relationship you have with your parents is most likely the one you will have with your children. So now is the time to change! Your children are learning how to relate to you by the way you relate to your parents.

#3- Family harmony is dependent on how much love and truth shapes our relationship with our parents. Truth must be shared in a context of love and care to be accepted.

The truth about this site... ask for forgiveness if there were past problems. This is the way to maintain an excellent relationship.



http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/Marriage___Family_Relationships/Personal_Interests___Expectations_11.html

"Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family does too."- Unknown

Problems can arise for couples when one or both spouse's parents are not willing to let go of their child and give them the freedom they need to form a new life of their own with the partner they have chosen. Another source of problems is that new spouses (husbands and wives included) are sometimes unwilling to let go of their parents. Either way it can be a recipe for problems in a new marriage.

Give your marital and in-law relationships time to form. It may take a year or two.

Learn to love your in-laws. Someday they may live with you.

Remember that in-laws change very slowly. Fault finding seldom speeds the process.

Gradually move your relationship with your parents from parent-child to parent-peer.

Listen to advice and counsel from your in-laws but make your own decisions regarding finances, children, etc.

Demonstrate and tell of your love for your spouse in front of your parents.

Share some social interests are activities with your new in-law family.

Frequently use the word "we." Be a team.

Respond to your mother and father-in-law as a team as much as possible.


http://love.ivillage.com/fnf/fnfinlaws/0,,808-2,00.html

"When we talk about in-laws, we're almost always talking about mothers-in-law, it seems, with sisters-in-law running a close second. What is it about the other women in our men's lives, the ones they grew up with and who, presumably, helped shape them into the guys we love? Some of us are lucky enough to become fast friends with these women, to find an additional set of shoulders to lean on, even to discover a replacement for a mother we lost or are distant from. But then there are the difficult cases -- and from the number of "Oh, you've been there, too?" responses, it seems that in-law troubles are pretty darn common."

Some common problems and advice to go along with it:

1- "We have very different lifestyles."

The lowdown: Communicate with the family in regards to what you both expect when talking or visiting each other.

2- "My mother in law is impossible!"

The lowdown: The parents need to accept you for who you are. Life is too short to hate, and its better to just accept someone is a certain way than to hate them. The couple needs to be able to turn the other cheek if the mother is being unreasonable. (I would personally say it works both ways, she should do that to the couple as well, if needed!)

3- "They won't accept me."

The lowdown: Some find that no matter what they do to try to please the in-laws, there is no winning. They may blame the new (daughter) in-law for problems with their son, or start accusing her of taking him away from his family. (Clip from the website from a reader: "This past year I've done all I can to encourage him to be with his family. I've invited his family to several events as well as to my home, but there's nothing I can do to get them to accept me. Whenever there is a dispute between my fiance and his ex, his family sides with her. And if they can't figure out a way to blame him for it, it becomes my fault.") SO- some say it is best to just accept that they won't change, but mostly be unfront with your husband, so he can see. He may be able to speak with them and point out difficiencies better than you could to them. The guy should make sure his family gets to know you.

4- "We had a huge blow-up."

The lowdown: A big fight with them... From the webiste-"I think that you should be the better person and apologize for acting that way," she says. But that's not to say one should roll over and be a wimp, either. "Tell them exactly what drove you to that. It is important that you set the ground rules as to what you consider acceptable and what you find offensive." She also stresses the importance of keeping your cool. "Flying off the handle gives them ammunition to treat you badly and speak ill of you." The wife/daughter in-law should need to know where your significant other stands and to confront his family as a team. "It will cause a strain on your marriage because your husband is in the middle. It is important that he is there -- they will know that you guys are one and have one voice."

The basics?

"Set boundaries within which you can function with your in-laws. Be the kinder and more generous one, despite what others do; bad behavior on your part doesn't so much let you "get even" with your in-laws as make you a lesser person. And, finally, make sure you know where your husband stands, and that he's willing to stand with you as a teammate."

Family In-Law- Heidi Lynn opinion

In regards in in-laws, whether it be parents in-law, brother in-laws, sister in-laws, etc... does everyone get along with theirs? Do the majority get along with theirs? Do the majority NOT get along with theirs? Does it cause couple problems? Conflict? And... the main question... Does it matter?! Of course, we would all LOVE to get along perfectly, or at least very good, with our significant others' family. The realism though, is that not every person or couple out there gets along with the families they marry into. This, although causing conflict, is something that (as bad as it sounds!) kind of goes with the territory. So, DOES it in fact matter? To some, yes. To some, no. To me... kind of. To me, I think the couple (and their kids/family) needs to come first. They are the ones living the day-to-day life, and the ones that need to stand the test of time. As long as they come first, I believe they just need to work together to make things good. I think being a team, whether they always agree or not, will make it seem like a united front that WANTS to make things good and better. The couple will have each others' back... through good AND bad. This isn't to say they won't be as much of a part of their family, but they will be more respected because of this. Does this make sense? Meaning... I think you can still be extremely close to your brothers, sisters, parents, etc... without making your husband or wife feel alienated or like THEY are the problem. The thing is, sometimes it just happens. No one should take it personally, but, as much as you get along with and love the person you marry... you don't choose your in-laws, and, just like anyone else out there, you don't always get along with everyone. Of course, it would make everything easier though!

In my personal life right now, I currently feel this in my relationship. I used to get along well with my significant other, Jons', family... But, when "stuff" happened with us back in January, that certainly changed things. I am at the point now, where, although we (meaning me and his family) have talked... I am wanting us to be able to attend the same functions finally! I think it is something that needs to happen! I don't want to feel like they're pushing me out, like he is alienating me by not including me, or that he is supporting them to think its OKAY to act like I don't matter. I know the first time again will be uncomfortable... but, what 1st time IN ANYTHING isn't?! I firmly believe it just needs to happen... for them, for me, for us... etc. I think it will finally show we do love each other and we are a united front. It will help them to see how good we actually are together. We have overcome this with my family... and it was SO hard for me at first. I was scared, nervous, and just about turned around from seeing them with him for the first time. But we did it, and now its okay! My family see's what they can't understand just from me SAYING it. Our actions, aura, etc while we are together... they get it... and Jon's would too. So, wish me luck on this quest to be understood and accepted!

What have I done? I've moved past MY personal past share of our problems and reasons as to why . I have done soul searching, realized a lot of things, and accepted that I was not perfect. On my end, I have overcome and know that there are things I can do better. Jon and I have discussed these things in great detail, and come to a mutual understanding of what drove us, and what needs to drive us now. We try to work together and be there for each other, including each other in things. I have also called a few members of Jon's family and apologized for my behavior around them at any point in our relationship in the past, as well as my contributions to our problems, especially those that directly affected them or their opinions on me or Jon and I. So, I feel like I've done my part... and I am ready for Jon and I to take our next step, but I feel that we definately need to have some together interaction with his family for this to happen! Lets DO IT!